Learning his body was a revelation. He was thick and hard, his muscles in prominent display.
Sunday, March 11, 2001 - 21:14

I've learned a lot of vocabulary from crotch novels. 'Moot', for example. I'd never heard it, but one crotch novel I was reading kept using it. Everything was moot in that book.

Other words: languor, undulating, chainse, bodice, many terms referring to an erect penis, and many more delightful vocabulary items.

Besides helping to build your vocabulary, many historical crotch novels give you little history lessons, like telling you what wergild and Danelaw were.

Usually the history lessons are wrong, though, because crotch novels aren't exactly great literature, and the authors aren't exactly geniuses.

The dirtiest crotch novel I read was the first one I read. One of my friends brought it to school in seventh grade and we all took turns reading it. It was fairly graphic and talked about dewey lips and soft peanuts. I was disgusted. I never wanted to have sex, especially if wieners were like peanuts, and I never wanted anyone to part my dewey lips. I didn't even want dewey lips.

Time went on, and I got over the damage done by that book.

I thought the first erect penis I ever saw looked like a potato. I don't know where I got that, but it's true.

I've never had someone rip open my bodice. But I guess that's because I've never worn a bodice.

p.s. I was going to topicalize one of the above sentences: "The first erect penis I ever saw, I thought it looked like a potato." But then I didn't, because I wasn't sure it was topicalizing (because I'm stupid) and I wasn't sure it was English. Yeah, it is English. If you want, I could find out if it's topicalizing or not.