exorcising
Thursday, Jan. 18, 2007 - 19:13

How is peace? you want to know, or you don't, and I was really intending to write something about my underwear but instead I need to write about this.

How is peace?

Oh sure it's peaceful. Oh sure.

Peace is boring.

Two and a half weeks into the new year. In my mind I turn this into another step in the dance. I'm not talking to him and let's wait to see how he will react.

But that's not how I'm supposed to think about it. It's supposed to be done and over forever and ever. I saw him, he is not the person I knew, I've blocked him like I said I would and that's it.

Except it's boring and I want to unblock him. Just for a second, just to see if he's online.

I won't. Whatever. Peace is fucking boring. Peace is fucking boring. I hope I remember that the next time around.

Let's kick this horse once more.

I've been listening to this song for almost a month now. Go here and listen to Your Ex-Lover Is Dead, and then come back for the discussion.

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead - Stars

When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said yes I think we've met before
In that instant it started to pour
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of that time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me, you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin
It's nothing but time and a face that you'll lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road, from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I want to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

(c) 2004 Arts&Crafts

You have to set yourself on fire: I killed the little girl I was, I chopped her head off with an axe. Finally, finally, it all comes down to yourself.

I love the sarcasm, I love the fuck you of: All of that time you thought I was sad I was trying to remember your name.

I love when Amy starts singing: This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin. I am beautiful and what you did doesn't make me less, doesn't make me any less so.

I love: I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose. It's a choice. That it is.

Live through this - and you won't look back. Second-person comforting self pep talk, honey baby.

And then come the guitars, the rhythm the drums. The last fucking verse.
There are no words for that last verse, except for the words themselves:

There's one thing I want to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

And then the keys kick in. The keys - the last verse kills me but it's the keys that destroy me, every fucking time and I've listen to it 3500 times in the last three and a half weeks.

Fucking perfect song, fucking perfect song for me the last month.

It's a mantra, say it to yourself over and over and you will believe it, you will convince yourself. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save. I'm not sorry.

Live through this - you won't look back.