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I'm okay Here's what makes me happy: music, my little sister, the girl I like, good interactions with my old friend the boy, going out with Kevin, eating, the future, hanging out with the random groups of individuals from my hometown that are in Seattle, walking, getting film developed at Bartell's, receiving phone calls/emails/comments/human contact, thinking about leaving Seattle and starting over and never getting involved with anyone on a non-Platonic level ever again because it fucking kills me. Here's what upsets me: my current living situation, bad interactions with my old friend the boy, seeing my old friend the boy at work, hearing his voice, seeing him have good interactions with the girl I told him I thought was ethereal one night in his bed, social situations involving both him and her, thinking about that, thinking about no longer being friends with him, thinking about leaving Seattle. I want to go find a corner and cry. Since that one terrible week, the first week of January, I haven't been crumbling like this. I took those Chinese happy pills for ten days or so and everything was super after that and I stopped tearing up at work. This week here I am again. Not as bad, but still. I write to entertain people, are they entertained? I wasted time at work and wrote up another newsletter. Did they read it, did they laugh. Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Is this PMS? Instead of my big plans I want to go out with Kevin to drink and mope. This is an unhealthy impulse. But it's either that or cry in a corner somewhere in Seattle. Maybe a movie. I want to sit in the dark for a while. [Saturday morning addendum] I tried to email this entry yesterday afternoon but it didn't work which is probably good. I think I was just feeling sorry for myself. Also as I've said five million times, whenever I think I have anything figured out it soon becomes obvious that I'm not right. So the lesson I'm supposed to have learned five million times is that I should just calm down, not be paranoid, not jump to conclusions, etc., because what's in my head is always worse than what really happens. Last night I went out for a drink with some people, walked up to Kevin's apartment with him, sat in his chair and cried while he played the piano, then went to see a friend play at Neumo's. I wasn't wanting to go, I wanted to avoid the awkward social situation that I thought would be there. Instead it was okay. I talked to my friend after her set and I left early. I came home, got into bed, and tonight I'm going to Vancouver with some friends and skipping my race tomorrow. I'm starting to have different groups of friends, different factions. This time last year I had no friends in Seattle. Now I have a few. Also, to end on a good note, you know that girl I like? I like her and I'm glad we're both back in town for a while.
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