An entry in which I talk about sunblock and fate and Australia and my current lack of occupational direction. I no longer have any creative juices flowing. I need to eat some honey maybe.
Saturday, May. 1, 2004 - 16:58

I got out my sunblock today for the first time this spring. I put it on and the smell transported me back to Australia, because that's the last time I smelled it, not because that's what Australia smells like. I wore it working outside in September when it was over 40 degrees and I had to sit out in the hot Australian sun with my hands in the hot Australian dirt while there was hot Australian wind blowing around me. It was very hot.

And I also wore it at the farm in October, pulling weeds or picking up scrap metal or driving the tractor.

When I left Australia I knew I'd go back again, probably to live there for a while. Sydney just might be my favorite city in the world, but Brisbane, I could totally live in Brisbane.

So I was going to go back there, I could see it. I have a strong intuition and I can sometimes see what's going to happen, and I knew I'd go back there. I could see it.

But now, well, there are two different paths my life could go down and one doesn't involve Australia at all, and right now, right at this moment, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know which way I'll go.

Which makes me wonder about fate and all that crap. Things happen for a reason, they happen because they're supposed to happen, but I'm thinking now that they're not predestined, because I think things change and something that seems inevitable at one point can become impossible. We do have free will, we do make choices. But the things that are supposed to happen do happen.

The Fates approve of the path I've been on... they let me know that a year ago. But I haven't heard from them in a while.

I've been going downtown a lot lately, going "out", but what I enjoy most about it is leaving the bar by myself, slipping out and walking around, going to the lake, smelling the trees, seeing the stars. The other night I went to the train station and saw the Amtrak come in. It was awesome and I wanted to be on a train again travelling around.

I've been feeling unsettled lately, like I want to leave, like I want to go back to being a nomad, get on a train and see where it takes me. I want to go back to Australia. I want to go to Japan. I want to go anywhere, maybe.

I applied for a job at a company here that I really don't want to work for. I don't want an 8-5 job sitting in a sealed building in front of a computer all day.

I talked to a guy last night who owns a couple internet cafes here in town and he said if I applied at one of them he'd put in a good word for me. And I thought, hmm, I might really like that. That might be what I want to do.

But I had a meeting with an old teacher of mine a couple days ago and she said, "Kelsi, I want to see you start using that brain of yours again." Trying to kick my butt into gear I guess. Yeah, I know, I need to do something. But.

I said, "I have been using my brain."

She said, "Have you been writing?"

"Yes."

"What have you been writing?"

"I don't know. Crap. Stuff. You know."

"Anything you can sell?"

"No." I don't want to think about writing as a product, as something to sell, as a way to make money, but that's the way she thinks of it, and, I guess, it's better than housekeeping, isn't it? But I hate - absolutely hate - writing assignments, writing because I have to. I hate it.

Anyway, it's got me thinking. What am I writing? I'm working on something, but what is it? What do I want to write? What do I want to do?

And saying that I want to go to Australia, that's just an escape, running away from it, delaying, putting off making a decision, and I can't do that forever, so I will not go back there this year.

Maybe next year.

Maybe next February or March or April. Maybe I'll start thinking about that.

Anyway, it's a lovely lovely lovely afternoon, and I think I'm going to go for a jog.