IF ONLY I'D THOUGHT OF THE RIGHT WORDS, I MAYBE COULD HAVE WON AN EXCITING DECEMBER WRITING CONTEST AWARD
Monday, Dec. 22, 2003 - 21:57

WOW I'M GOING TO DRINK A DR. PEPPER AFTER WORK EVERY DAY. I HAVE BOUNDLESS ENERGY. I ALSO DRANK A CUP OF TEA WHILE I WAS STILL AT WORK, SO MAYBE THAT CONTRIBUTED.

THE TEA WAS CALLED 'CONSTANT COMMENT'. WHAT AN ODD NAME FOR TEA.

I WAS EXAGGERATING WHEN I SAID I HAVE BOUNDLESS ENERGY, OF COURSE. I CONSTANTLY EXAGGERATE, AND I RARELY HAVE BOUNDLESS ENERGY NOWADAYS. ONCE UPON A TIME, THOUGH...

IT IS TIME TO TCOB, SO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CUT THE CAPS CRAP.

We would like to thank everyone who entered The Exciting December Writing Contest. We would like to remind everyone that the point of this contest is not the prestige, honor, and lionization that comes from winning. Rather, the point is to help the youth of today to write.

Blah blah, etc etc.

If you didn't win, you should feel really bad BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU DIDN'T EVEN ENTER, YOU LAZY HORRIBLE PROCRASTINATING UNIMAGINATIVE LOSER. (Unless you did enter and I, moron that I am, overlooked you, in which case I profusely apologise for both the oversight and the insult and I beseech you to tell me so I can rectify the situation.)

But before we start the awards ceremony, let me just tell you that work today was HILARIOUS. I worked from 8 to 5 (which is a very long day for us) and we were busier than a cow's milk in January and bam, smack in the middle of it all, a dishwasher started overflowing with BUBBLES. BUBBLES WERE EVERYWHERE. BUBBLES WERE FLOODING THE ROOM. IT WAS HILARIOUS. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

And so, without further ado, the RAIN & SNOW award goes to Whisper for this exemplary haiku about weight gain associated with restaurant food:

Toejam: WINNER
RAIN & SNOW AWARD FOR CREATIVE INDUSTRIAL HAIKUITRY

After much debate we have decided to award the PARTLY SUNNY award to leftundone for this haiku about the atrocities facing today's underage sweatshop workers:

leftunspoken: WINNER
PARTLY SUNNY AWARD FOR COMPASSIONATE HAIKUETRY

(ATTENTION SIVA0: I ASSUME YOU MEAN BACON IS CRISPY, NOT CRISY. SERIOUSLY DUDE, IF YOU EVER WANT AN EDITOR FOR YOUR WRITING, I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY. NO, SERIOUSLY. I'M SERIOUS...)

siva0: WINNER
MOSTLY CLOUDY AWARD FOR PROLIFIC BUTTERY HOKKAIDOS

And the next-to-last award goes to our long-lost sisterToothbrush, who, frankly, made it into the contest only by the splice of her nose hair. NEXT TIME SHE WILL NOT BE SO LUCKY. ALSO, SHE CANNOT COUNT TO FIVE. Regardless, she gets the M/CLOUDY SHOWERS award.

Toothbrush: WINNER
M/CLOUDY SHOWERS AWARD OF CANADA

And finally, the award everyone's been waiting for, the last award goes to me for my chilling haiku about a tragic encounter with an alligator:

Once again, you might accuse me of awarding the most prestigious award to myself, the award that doesn't have a cheap tangible award like the others. Like mine's better because it's all mysterious and elite with no meteorological associations. And geez, you guys, you're so mean! I'M JUST TRYING PROMOTE WRITING AMONG THE YOUTH OF INNER-CITY KALAMAZOO, AND ALL YOU DO IS COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN. ALL THE BITCHING YOU'RE DOING IS JUST DRAGGING ME DOWN! FINE! I WON'T HAVE ANOTHER EXCITING WRITING CONTEST FOR AT LEAST A MONTH, OR HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES ME TO THINK OF SOMETHING NEW!

BASTARD ASS SON OF A BITCH! MY RECORD JUST SKIPPED! I'M LISTENING TO 'DISINTEGRATION' BY THE CURE, ONE OF THE BEST ALBUMS EVER CREATED! AND IT JUST SKIPPED! MY DR. PEPPER HAS WORN OFF. I'M GOING TO MAYBE GET INTO BED AND FINISH THAT GODDAMN OWEN MEANY BOOK.

And yes, the question everyone's asking is, "What the crap does M/CLOUDY SHOWERS mean?" Of course the answer is obvious to those of us who know anything, but maybe some of you haven't heard the story of Mr. Cloudy Showers, who was tragically eaten by an alligator for breakfast. But I won't bother to tell the whole story. Suffice it to say, it's okay with me if songs by the Cure and Modest Mouse and the Ramones are in commercials AS LONG AS THEY DON'T PLAY THE STINKING COMMERCIALS ALL THE TIME.

WAIT, STOP THE PRESS! I just found an award for myself, so you can stop complaining. I get the SNOW award:

THE END! TIME FOR BED! (**Entry in The Exciting December Writing Contest implies consent to transfer all rights of ownership and copyright of haikus to the owner and perpetrator of the Contest, who will, of course, use the haikus for personal financial and intellectual gain. Oh woops, guess we forgot to tell you that in the disclaimer when we made the contest announcement. Ha! Ha ha! The truth comes out now! I will suck your creativity from your soul under the guise of camaraderie and the quest for truth, but it was all for the money! Thank you for entering. I hope you enter the next Exciting contest.)