Part of my last will and testament, v. 6.5
Rursday, January 30, 2003 - 11:35

I told Mr. Pooh that if I die I don't want any music played at my funeral, especially not Pearl Jam and especially not elevator music and especially not "Yesterday" by the Beatles. I will be very unhappy indeed if any of that crap is played at my funeral.

Instead, if there must be music, and I suppose there must, there were two songs, I think, that Beethoven wrote when he was still a teenager for some Kaiser or other such important guy who died, and I wouldn't mind if one of those was played (I think...I actually haven't heard them in years, maybe they suck, and I actually have no idea what they're called, and I actually have no idea where you'd find them). Also, I wouldn't mind "I Love" by Tom T. Hall, although that might be too sentimental and melodramatic, much like "Yesterday".

Also, I want to be cremated. I debated whether or not my blankie should be cremated with me, and I've decided it shouldn't, because it's too nice. I've decided that Mr. Pooh can keep it and use it as long as he takes care of it and doesn't sweat all over it and doesn't lay on top of it.

Also, I wouldn't want anyone to keep my ashes, because that's kind of gross and silly and would just be one more thing cluttering up the house, so they can scatter (i.e. dump) them somewhere. I don't care where, really, because that wouldn't really matter to me.

Also, I don't want any assholes making speeches about how they were my best friend and crap, because they weren't! Fucking deathmongers!

Also, I would want Miss Kitty to come to the funeral dressed in a black leather harness (with spikes) and black bows on her paws and tail. They could have a black toilet set up that she could go pee in, and all the mourners would say, "Oh, Kelsi was so talented! Look at how well she trained that cat! What a shame! What a loss!" and they would all weep and then try to pet Miss Kitty, and Miss Kitty would bite them.

Also, I wouldn't want anyone to dress up, because that's just stupid.

Also, I'd want a big hoedown afterwards with some old time country music, but no mini-weiners and no sub sandwiches.

I've also instructed Mr. Pooh to secretly get rid of the few crotch novels that are in the bedside stand. However, there are also a couple Victoria Holt books in there, and Victoria Holt books are not crotch novels, so he shouldn't get rid of those. I mean, unless he wants to read them, he eventually can get rid of them, but he doesn't have to be secretive about it.

Now, I'm not planning to die or anything, but I could, so I might as well make my wishes known, right?