Me whining about being homesick
Monday, March 26, 2001 x 2 - 11:25

I don't belong here. When I first moved here I was so homesick it physically hurt. I would get a pain in my chest when I realized where I was. It wasn't that I missed people. It was because things were going on without me. There were summer thunderstorms in the afternoons even though I wasn't there. There were beautiful white puffy clouds in the sky even though I wasn't there. Other people felt fall coming, but I didn't. Other people got to see all the leaves turn red and yellow and orange, but I didn't. They got to see the snow falling silently, but I didn't. Someone else was going to my favorite restaurant and ordering my favorite sandwich, but I couldn't. Someone else got to move into my beautiful old apartment, while I got to move into a stinky dark apartment.

I can't look up on the hill anymore and see the sun reflecting off of the grazing deer. I can't feel the excitement of fall that is in the air in September, because there aren't any seasons here. I can't go swimming in the lake. I can't ride my bike through streets that I know by heart. I don't recognize people at the store, because I don't know anyone here.

This isn't my life. I don't want it to be my life. I tell myself it's only temporary, that I'll go back when I finish school. But there are people here who have been going to school for years, and they aren't done yet. People grow old here. I don't want to grow old here, because this isn't my life.

I can always drop out though. We can move back home and buy a nice house with a nice yard, and I can have a nice garden. We can go out on the lake on nice days, and go to the library on rainy days.

But I'd regret it, I know. I'd think, "Why didn't I just finish my degree? It would have only taken a couple more years. Why didn't I enjoy it down there? It was sunny all the time. My plants loved it. I lived half a mile from the ocean. I had two balconies. There were palm trees. I had friends. I was happy."

I guess I am happy here. But I never know I'm happy until I'm not happy.